Craptitude:
A visitors guide to hopelessness and denial...
People have accused me of being a 'Morning Person'. Implicating that there is some anomaly to waking up before noon on the weekends. The interesting coincidence is that many of those that have imbued me with said title, would, in my book, be described as people with 'crappy attitudes'. Now my waking up at the butt-crack of dawn is an easy quality to quantify, I just did it: I wake up at the butt-crack of dawn.To quantify a 'crappy-tude' is a bit more difficult, as there are a number of qualities (or lack thereof) that could place you in this broad category (mix and match at your discretion):
1) Constant Complainer (CC): The Constant Complainer is NEVER satisfied. No matter how hard you try. It is a fruitless and frustrating venture, and only leads to disappointment. In my experience, the Constant Complainer really has nothing productive or enlightening to say, so instead rely on trite, complaintative small-talk to make them feel like they are socially connected, when in reality, no one can stand them. Early teens suffer this condition, but is usually relieved as they enter young adulthood. CC's can eventually devolve into a more serious form of craptitude if not treated properly.
2) Eternal Victim (EV): A small step in de-evolution from the CC, these poor souls just can't seem to get a break! At least that's what they want you to believe. In this lies two sub-categories:
a) Vampire: as with the constant Complainer, their life has become self absorbed and uninteresting that they rely on their stories of victimisation to extract some form of sympathy and social relevance from their unintentional meal. They thrive on "I'm so sorry", or "that's terrible" as a means to justify their crappy attitudes. Don't ever try to remind EV's that there are children starving in Africa, or retired old folks that eat dog-food to survive, again fruitless and only leads to victim stories one-up-manship.
b) The Good for Something (GFS): Yeah, they are good for something, but good luck finding out what it is, as most of the conversations you'll have with these winners is how high the chips are stacked against them. The criteria for a 'Good for Something' differs from a Vampire, in that Vampires can often hold jobs\careers and do quite well, aside from their obvious condition. The GFS is usually unemployed, but it's not their fault, they tried looking for a job and no-one is hiring, plus the economy is bad, and their car isn't running, and if they get a job, they'd have to pay child support because their wife was a psycho.
3) The Grass is always greener (GG): Differs from the constant complainer in that they can have moments on contentment and even joviality....until the neighbor pulls up in a new car. Then let the complaints begin: "How can HE afford a new car?", "I hear he cheats on his wife", "Their kids are brats". For some reason the GG can't handle someone elses prosperity, and treats it as a direct hit against their ego. GG's are materialistic and it shows. Often sporting brand name clothing and buying new cell phones every 6 months, they are completely incomplete. GG Test: Show the suspected GG your new _________ , after berating it, they will soon have one that's 'better' to show off to you.
4) The Java Junkie (JJ): The Java Junkie does not posses an aptitude for craptitude inherently. There's is a chemically induced one. You will often hear them complaining about "not enough coffee this morning", or "Having a bad-day" as they are standing by the coffee machine. This is poure addiction, and as they are jonesin' for Joe, those synaptic responses in their brain are yelling "FTW". JJ's typically are in denial of the fact that coffee is a stimulant-depressant, well the latter part at least.
5) Self Righteous \ Out of Touch (OOT): These are a cerebral bunch, touting stories of former glory and the "way it used to be" or the "good ole days". Most often complaints of 'decaying morality' tend to drive their convo's. The problem is that in 'their days' they used children to work in mines and get killed, husbands could beat their wives without consequence, and racism and religious persecution was the norm. Screw their 'good ole days'.
This short list will help you recognize some of the basic archetypes for craptitude and either deal with, or avoid them altogether. I hope you find this guide handy and pass along to your friends (or others).
Until next time :)
